Waves crash and collide with themselves,
Somewhat like my mind,
Engulfed by trauma and torment,
Wrestling with new ideas and replaying past,
As the waves settle, a calm atmosphere is formed.
But it never seems lasting,
Not long enough to be seen,
As soon as you feel comfortable that wave can sweep you up and set you back.
Breathe, just breathe.
The storm will pass,
The wave will subside subsequently leaving you breathless but strong.
I apologise when I cry
Today I got upset, I get upset a lot recently, it doesn’t take much, to make me break. I have been struggling. I’m not ashamed to say I struggle. But today when I cried something happened, the person I cried in-front of said let it out. This is something I run from not physically but I hid it from others. Then the person said your emotions are valid and it made me feel normal. I shy away from my emotions so quickly because I fear of appearing weak or worse vulnerable.
I have always been someone that people confide in. I listens to others problems taken them on as my own and pushing aside my own feeling. Concentrating on other and neglecting myself. The last 3 years have been hard in so many ways and the last couple of months have been heartbreaking.
I haven’t dealt with life well I haven’t been looking after myself physically or mentally. I have just been in flight mode. But I know that, that has to change I have to change.
So I’m going to.
I’m no longer going to censor my emotions. I need to talk and feel. I want to be a role model to my son and for him to feel that he can talk openly and how will he achieve that if I cant.
I want him to be happy above everything.
I put make up on today, or war paint as my dad calls it.
The first attempt at feeling more myself. Bean prefers me bare face but there is something about make up, it lifts your confidence and makes you feel that bit better. Even if it’s superficial, before I had Blake I would wear make up at least 3/7 days of the week but I just don’t seem to have the time anymore.
I do miss it on occasions, I feel like it’s a expression of yourself when you do you face. Does that make sense? Or do I sound crazy.
Confidence boost activated…
Roll on tomorrow, I’m ready for you bitches.
Vilified when innocent,
Hopelessly struggling with no way to express the pain,
You made me question my everything,
Who I am, what I believe in, what I deserve.
I deservingly now can move on,
Just as you did while you tried to taint my name,
My head will remain high,
You will never know what damage you reckoned with your lies,
Driftingforward 