I’ve been blogging my journey without posting it recently. Just because blogging helps me process my thoughts and emotions but some of these I wasn’t ready to share with everyone. But now I am so this is my journey so far.
13/06/19 Just writing this post is making me feel super emotional. This is a photo of the 3rd test I’ve taken, tomorrow I will be trying my hardest to get an appointment and have the results confirmed at the doctors. If this is correct then I am possibly one of the most happiest people I know. There will be nothing else I want in this life and my world will be complete.
Me and Bean would have the family that I have craved for, for so long. Emotionally trying not to get too excited but I can’t bloody help it! A baby, a lil tiny baby Bean. How amazing would that be, me and him mixed together to make our very own little human. He or she will be beautiful inside and out. I know it. Please let tomorrow be the answer I’m craving to hear. Confirmation of a dream.
16/06/19 I managed to get an appointment first thing Monday morning which was a relief as I needed some clarity on what was happening by a professional.
Sitting in the waiting room was gruelling, I had come to the appointment on my own and I just felt ill. The realisation of how much I wanted that test to be confirmed was weighing on my shoulders.
When my time came to see the doctor it wasn’t what I had expected. Her manner was cold and honestly she made me feel like I was being judged for even making the appointment. There was no confirmation in the form of a test she just commented on my weight (I have recently lost a little under 3 stone), the antidepressants that I take and told me not to tell too many people before 12 weeks, due to my PCOS heightening the chance of a miscarriage. So a great big middle finger to her, thank you for the positivity…. moving on.
Now I’m past the first trimester which for me meant dizzy spells, nausea (some sickness) and a numbness/burning pain and sometimes pins and needles on the outer part of my thigh which I think might be Meralgia Paresthetica (but I’m working myself up to going to the doctors – after my last visit) from what I have read up there wouldn’t be anything I could do while pregnant anyway.
I would like to say to the ladies out there that suffer with sickness, I feel for you. I have been sick just over a handful of times but just the nausea is enough for me. I have Emetophobia, if you’re not aware of what this is, it’s the fear of being sick or seeing someone else be sick. I just cry and want to hide away when I feel like I might be sick. Which is pretty impossible to do when your job is supporting others.
For me, the moment that made everything real was on 26/07/19 when we went for the first ultrasound.
Since being pregnant I have been having super intense dreams, one thats been reoccurring is that when I go for my scan they tell me I’m not and never was pregnant. So to say I was nervous would be an understatement, when the nurse was doing the scan it felt like forever waiting for her to say anything, in the end I had to say “Please tell me, there is something in there right?” she smiled and said there definitely was, but my baby is extremely active. In the end I had to be scanned internally which as you can imagine was lovely. Even then lil Bean didn’t make things easy and I have to go back for blood tests and as the nurse couldn’t get measurements in order to check for downs syndrome and other things. But it was amazing. I saw my baby.