Poetry

You’ll never truly be ready for what lies ahead,

As uncomplicated you want life to be you’ll always find bumps in the road.

I find comfort in overcoming challenges in my life,

Then looking back and taking note of what I have achieved,

Some were more daunting than others,

But everyone of them played a part in shaping the person I have become,

And the life I have now,

Some call it fate; I believe it’s just life running its course,

Mine so far, is a life I’d say I’m proud of.

Hayley Chaplin

baby

Corny Title- Woah We’re Half Way There

Today I am officially 20 weeks pregnant! I’m officially at the halfway point. I’m not going to lie being pregnant is something that I thought was never going to happen to me and every day I am thankful to have been able to experience it for myself. I had become resigned to believe that due to my PCOS we just wouldn’t be able to have our own child.

So far I have found the whole experience kinder weird and I can’t help wondering when this so called “glowing” is going to happen lol, because so far I just feel bloated and pale. I’m trying to get my head around the feeling of something bumping about on the inside of me. At present it just kinder feels like fluttering and occasionally a lil poke. But I can’t help thinking about that scene in Alien where the alien tears out of the guy’s stomach.

Next Monday is my 20 week scan I’ll be 21 weeks. We’re not finding out the sex, Beanie would happily find out but I would like to have that as a surprise. I may only get the chance to do this once so I’m doing it the way I have always imagined it.

I have had a few dreams that I have a little boy he has dark brown hair and brown eyes like his dad. I just see him in his cot and then my dream usually changes.

There are so many things that I wasn’t aware of that happen when you’re pregnant. No one talks about the gross stuff you only ever hear of it being such a beautiful experience. Bloody hell some of the dreams I have had are so vivid and real; not to mention terrifying.

Poetry

The unjust consequence of wearing your heart on your sleeve,

Letting yourself feel for someone or a friendship too passionately,

Double thinking actions when it’s already too late,

Reaching out to someone; that’s nolonger there to reach,

Forever talking yourself out of just giving in,

Idly clinging on to what little hope you have,

Overall admiring others that life just seems so effortless to,

Moving beyond all of the above and understanding your own self worth,

Hayley Chaplin

General

Sunday Chills

It’s nearly the end of mine and Beanie’s time off together, we’ve had an entire week off together, it’s been lovely. We went to London with my mum and the girls for a couple of days and also took a trip to Ipswich for the hell of it. Friday night saw an impromptu visit to bingo and yesterday we went to Beanie’s great niece’s birthday party.

As for today, it has been pretty fab. We had a lovely lay-in followed by some brunch. which we ate whilst watching ‘Reservoir Dogs’ which I would like to say as a film still now is rather awesome. Crazy to think its actually 27 years old. Then after the film I trimmed Beans beard/ moustache and shaved his hair; which I would like to add was very brave of him considering the film I had watched previously. We then did some tidying because we are adults and that is compulsory sadly. For lunch, I had a lovely fruit salad made of blueberries, banana, apple, a Slimming World hifi bar and an Actimel yogurt; it was yum. This was followed by a lovely long bath and a nap haha. I truly do love Sundays; simply heaven. For my dinner this evening I had tuna pasta with grated carrot, cucumber, beetroot and a dollop of light mayo. Bean watched some UFC while I have caught up with watching Neighbours. Now as I type this Bean is reading ‘ Less Than Zero’ by Brett Easton Ellis which seems to me like a pretty good plan. So I’m now off to read my new book ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney (with thanks to LB for gifting it to me).

General

My life is going to change…. for the best

I’ve been blogging my journey without posting it recently. Just because blogging helps me process my thoughts and emotions but some of these I wasn’t ready to share with everyone. But now I am so this is my journey so far.

13/06/19 Just writing this post is making me feel super emotional. This is a photo of the 3rd test I’ve taken, tomorrow I will be trying my hardest to get an appointment and have the results confirmed at the doctors. If this is correct then I am possibly one of the most happiest people I know. There will be nothing else I want in this life and my world will be complete.

Me and Bean would have the family that I have craved for, for so long. Emotionally trying not to get too excited but I can’t bloody help it! A baby, a lil tiny baby Bean. How amazing would that be, me and him mixed together to make our very own little human. He or she will be beautiful inside and out. I know it. Please let tomorrow be the answer I’m craving to hear. Confirmation of a dream.

16/06/19 I managed to get an appointment first thing Monday morning which was a relief as I needed some clarity on what was happening by a professional.

Sitting in the waiting room was gruelling, I had come to the appointment on my own and I just felt ill. The realisation of how much I wanted that test to be confirmed was weighing on my shoulders.

When my time came to see the doctor it wasn’t what I had expected. Her manner was cold and honestly she made me feel like I was being judged for even making the appointment. There was no confirmation in the form of a test she just commented on my weight (I have recently lost a little under 3 stone), the antidepressants that I take and told me not to tell too many people before 12 weeks, due to my PCOS heightening the chance of a miscarriage. So a great big middle finger to her, thank you for the positivity…. moving on.

Now I’m past the first trimester which for me meant dizzy spells, nausea (some sickness) and a numbness/burning pain and sometimes pins and needles on the outer part of my thigh which I think might be Meralgia Paresthetica (but I’m working myself up to going to the doctors – after my last visit) from what I have read up there wouldn’t be anything I could do while pregnant anyway.

I would like to say to the ladies out there that suffer with sickness, I feel for you. I have been sick just over a handful of times but just the nausea is enough for me. I have Emetophobia, if you’re not aware of what this is, it’s the fear of being sick or seeing someone else be sick. I just cry and want to hide away when I feel like I might be sick. Which is pretty impossible to do when your job is supporting others.

For me, the moment that made everything real was on 26/07/19 when we went for the first ultrasound.

Since being pregnant I have been having super intense dreams, one thats been reoccurring is that when I go for my scan they tell me I’m not and never was pregnant. So to say I was nervous would be an understatement, when the nurse was doing the scan it felt like forever waiting for her to say anything, in the end I had to say “Please tell me, there is something in there right?” she smiled and said there definitely was, but my baby is extremely active. In the end I had to be scanned internally which as you can imagine was lovely. Even then lil Bean didn’t make things easy and I have to go back for blood tests and as the nurse couldn’t get measurements in order to check for downs syndrome and other things. But it was amazing. I saw my baby.

Thinking Out Loud

Shutting down….

While others are sleeping, I am awake. This is a common routine for me, sleep isn’t needed it’s just expected. When it happens, I’m grateful. But now I’m laying in bed considering everything, every choice I’ve made in the past. It doesn’t matter that I can’t change it. I can still think about it on a loop, driving myself crazy.

I overthink; that’s something that’s sadly true. I consider myself as a person and I am worthy of friendships I have. Am I doing the right thing walking away from friendships? are they lost.

I tell myself not to dwell at what no longer is, I have my memories of what once was. My life is changing and I’m growing as person. If a friendship is meant to be then it will work out, you shouldn’t have to work at it, it should just come naturally. My mind is rambling and I continue to type ever the optimistic; or maybe just the push over.

I don’t know what to expect in the future but what I welcome for sure is sleep and silence in my mind.

Poetry

My silence

Sometimes my silence is the only way for me to manage to keep a secret,

In this case my silence is just that,

Inside I have been dealing with so many conflicting emotions,

Mostly just longing for that day,

When I see that all my dreams were real,

I’m not broken; after years of waiting,

We have created something so beautiful and this is just the beginning,

Hayley Chaplin