Blogmas

I remember being told when I was pregnant that having a child brings back the joy of Christmas.

Well if i had that conversation today, I would tell the person “you lie”. It just causes more stress, when you don’t have a child, people just leave you alone. Once you have had a child it’s all about others seeing them and then you feel stressed trying to keep everyone happy.

My perfect Xmas would be a log cabin somewhere with just me, Bean and Blake. Maybe with the exception of drinks one evening. Anyway… now that rants over and done with, back to blogmas:

Top Xmas movies in no particular order:

Nightmare Before Christmas

When I was younger, every year since I can remember we would have a Christmas/ New Year’s party. It wasn’t a massive party but it was always something I looked forward to and still have fond memories of. The party would consist of my two sets of great aunties and uncles; as well as my nanny on my dad’s side. I think my grandad came a couple of times. The adults would take it in turns on who would host each year. All my memories are blurred but I remember that on one year, my dear Uncle Charlie was very excited to show me a video he had purchased at Blockbuster. I must have been 9/10 and the film had me transported to a crazy world full of Halloween and Christmas. I loved every second of that night and it is now my tradition to watch that film during Halloween to get into the spirit of Christmas. (I actually still own the original VHS tape and I always will).

Muppets Christmas Carol

Come on it’s the Muppets it would be wrong not to include it. No explanation necessary.

Scrooged

I think this may be my favourite take on a Christmas carol. I also know that I was far too young when I first watched this because I remember being terrified of the taxi driver (ghost of Christmas past) and various other parts and characters. Not to mention Bobcat Goldthwaits character.. such a great film.

To be continued because I’m tired…

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My mind wanders and takes me to places,

Places I should have forgotten about years ago,

A conversation, a altercation, decisions I have made,

The way I could have played my part different and what changes that could have made,

Friendships lost and loved one gone,

Gripping to some memories and fearful of losing some,

Times change and people to,

Priorities develop in to things completely new,

I’m not that girl who grabbed out for acceptance,

I have my loves; my people.

But there’s that self doubt it’s always present looming in the distance,

Why? Why do you love me? Why do you like me? When will you leave me?

My anxieties breaking through and tormenting me.

Hayley Chaplin

04/06/23

Always thinking #11111111r

I apologise when I cry

Today I got upset, I get upset a lot recently, it doesn’t take much, to make me break. I have been struggling. I’m not ashamed to say I struggle. But today when I cried something happened, the person I cried in-front of said let it out. This is something I run from not physically but I hid it from others. Then the person said your emotions are valid and it made me feel normal. I shy away from my emotions so quickly because I fear of appearing weak or worse vulnerable.

I have always been someone that people confide in. I listens to others problems taken them on as my own and pushing aside my own feeling. Concentrating on other and neglecting myself. The last 3 years have been hard in so many ways and the last couple of months have been heartbreaking.

I haven’t dealt with life well I haven’t been looking after myself physically or mentally. I have just been in flight mode. But I know that, that has to change I have to change.

So I’m going to.

I’m no longer going to censor my emotions. I need to talk and feel. I want to be a role model to my son and for him to feel that he can talk openly and how will he achieve that if I cant.

I want him to be happy above everything.

K-bye

When going into a new year I always remember the wise words of John Cage, a character in Ally McBeal.

John: If you think back, and replay your year – if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.

The year 2022 was full of so many big emotions. It’s hard looking back, focusing on the good.

There was good: There was Blake everyday, Cornwall, London, spa trips and friends. Not to mention my rock, my reaching hand to steady me, my Beanie.

But it seems 2023 isn’t letting up or getting better. At the Moment I’m clawing and scrabbling to put/ resume some sense of normality in what I call life.

I’m determined to be there for others but also look after me. I need to get my shit together, sort out my headspace and better myself or I will regret it I know I will.

I can’t be reading this back in 2024 and I’m still where I am. I’m worthy of more!