Everything I write, seems to be a messed up mumble,
Incoherent of what I want to say,
Mind boggling to myself so goodness knows what others would see,
So I’ll note and move on,
Nonsensical notes that one day I will look back at,
Some I’ll dismiss and others I’ll keep,
On a whim that I might review it,
Revisited and reclaimed,
But right now I’m simply struggling to formulate any kind of structure.
As I step off the bus I find myself morphing, in to what I once was a person of identity.
I love my life but I fear my identity has been lost somewhat in parenthood.
The responsibility of being someone’s everything and trying to live up to that challenge.
Providing and protecting; teaching them.
The fundament values that everyone needs.
But here right now I am me, free from responsibility.
The sun is shining and the world is mine.
Without a worry or a care, I’m going to take this time and enjoy it.
Hayley Chaplin 13/06/23
I find happiness in your company,
You holding my fingers so tightly,
Naturally without thought,
Out of comfort.
I’m honoured in the knowledge that you find comfort in that moment,
When you are asleep I miss having you by my side,
Even when the days are sometimes long and hard.
You’re testing boundaries and pushing limits,
But I would haven’t it any other way.
I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it.
Your smile it melts me,
That chuckle from the depths of your belly.
Blake Allen you’ve bewitched me,
My son, my friend, all my love.
I apologise when I cry
Today I got upset, I get upset a lot recently, it doesn’t take much, to make me break. I have been struggling. I’m not ashamed to say I struggle. But today when I cried something happened, the person I cried in-front of said let it out. This is something I run from not physically but I hid it from others. Then the person said your emotions are valid and it made me feel normal. I shy away from my emotions so quickly because I fear of appearing weak or worse vulnerable.
I have always been someone that people confide in. I listens to others problems taken them on as my own and pushing aside my own feeling. Concentrating on other and neglecting myself. The last 3 years have been hard in so many ways and the last couple of months have been heartbreaking.
I haven’t dealt with life well I haven’t been looking after myself physically or mentally. I have just been in flight mode. But I know that, that has to change I have to change.
So I’m going to.
I’m no longer going to censor my emotions. I need to talk and feel. I want to be a role model to my son and for him to feel that he can talk openly and how will he achieve that if I cant.
I want him to be happy above everything.
Driftingforward 